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08 July 2013 @ 11:33 am
Comfort Porn  
Naming my LiveJournal "Happiness is Temporary" turned out to be pretty accurate for me. I was told it will take at least a month for the St. John's Wort to start working. I'm not sure how much of this I can take. A lot of unpleasant memories from my childhood are back again and stronger than ever. It's like a bunch of movies playing in my head over and over. The bullying, the lack of concern from adults, the insecurities, and the loneliness.

This may sound odd, but my way of combating these latest negative emotions was by turning on porn. I was unsure whether or not I wanted to talk about that here. But this place is dead. Nobody is reading. Besides, I have no reason to be ashamed. Back to the story, I turned on porn when I felt myself getting upset. I didn't watch it though. I just had it playing while I checked my email and updated my Tumblr. Going all the way back to when I was 12, that's when my fascination with pornography began. Porn for me represented the fantasy of liberation and empowerment. Being a closeted kid, those 2 things are what I wanted. The freedom to be myself and the strength to accept who I am as a person. I never really felt like I got that. In many ways, I still feel that way. And now after 14 years, I continue to use porn as a comfort.

I think that's enough sharing for today.
 
 
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: The Porn Song-Sarah Silverman